Monthly Archive for October, 2005

Chemotherapy Treatment #7

October 31

William

There’s a tall, thin man sitting in Room B, white and maybe 50 years old, adjusting his big glasses and thinking about trimming his greying mustache. He’s wearing a yellow-and-black flannel shirt under his red button-up sweater. His bony legs hardly fill his jeans, and he’s holding up his left wrist, but letting his hand fall. His body seems frail. He sits up straight on the edge of the bed, waiting. His bones hang off of him. His teeth are showing like he’s smiling, but that can’t be. His broad forehead is blanketed by the florescent lights coming from the ceiling of Room B, and I think he’s staring at me. His glasses are thick and round, so I can’t see where his eyes are, but I think they are fixed on me.

He scratches himself and lowers his wrist, looks around. He’s getting impatient, but he doesn’t seem like an impatient person. The nurses have left him there for maybe 20 minutes now. I wonder what he’s waiting for.

I’ve seen him before, sitting in a chemo chair, moving slowly and not talking. Baring his teeth like he’s smiling. Or a different time, with the white blanket pulled up to this chin, his mouth open a little, spilling it’s contents over his cheek, his eyes closed and his eyebrows raised.

The doctor comes to talk to him and hands him a piece of paper before leaving. Alone, the man reads the papers in his shaky hands. He slowly folds them, unfolds them and reads them again. He covers his teeth while he’s reading, and raises his eyebrows and peers out the door. Giving up, he folds them twice, into quarters, and puts them in his chest pocket, behind the red vest. He holds up his wrist again, like he’s looking for the time, but there’s no watch.

What a slow, thin man. He might have been a criminal, or a teacher, if he had the energy or the coordination. I think he might be homeless. He has large ears, and a reasonable nose that sticks out between his glasses and mustache like they are part of a set. He needs a shave.

He walks over, closer, and sits in the blood test chair. He’s staring at his wrist. Slowly, quietly, as if he were talking to rabbits, he says, “Oh, now don’t you hide. You were just there.”

The nurse turns to him, “What?”

“He was just here. I’m talking to this.” And he nods slowly to his wrist. I can see him better now, his eyes are dark and his hair is unkept. He is so tall and so thin, maybe if he didn’t move so slow his bones would break.

“Oh, you’re talking to it.” The nurse says, distracted. She’s preparing a needle to take his blood.

“I guess I’ll have lunch here. I’ll have lunch here.” And he shows his teeth, smiling.

“Yes, we all know how you like lunch here.” The nurse says back to him.

She ties up his arm and taps his wrist. “Are you still talking to it?” She holds the needle above his skin.

“Yeah. Come on.” He stares at his wrist.

He lets out a yell when she puts the needle in him, like a meow, but with too much saliva in the back of his throat. He looks away. I look away.

“William, did the doctor tell you about the chemo we’re going to give you? William, you’re going to lose your hair. William, did the doctor tell you that? Did he tell you that you’d lose your hair?”

William turns his head toward the nurse and covers his teeth. It barely gets out, “no.”

“Yes, you’ll lose all your hair.”

He is silent for awhile, but as he’s slowly wandering back to Room B, “I’m going to lose all my hair.”

“That’s right William. All of your hair.”

Quote ~ There’s Something About Mary

October 30

7’s the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that’s the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin’ on a branch, eatin’ lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea. It’s like you’re dreamin’ about Gorgonzola cheese when it’s clearly Brie time, baby.~ from There’s Something About Mary

Halloween

Treatment #7 tomorrow, Halloween. I thought I might dress up to go in. I could go as a doctor, but they might mistake me for the real thing (unlikely). I could dress up as a healthy person, but I look like that anyway. A zombie might be a bit tasteless, and they may feel weird taking the blood of a vampire. If I’d lost more hair maybe I could go as Mr. Clean (or Vin Diesel!).

Elgin Courier Article

October 29

The Courier News article on my Dad came out yesterday. The headline read “Home office unites CPA, ailing son.” Wha? Who you calling ‘ailing?’ I’m not ailing. Bite me.

Quote ~ Branch Rickey

October 25

Problems are the price you pay for progress. ~ Branch Rickey

Chemo Face

Dad’s going to be in the paper in a couple days for being such an extraordinary accountant, etc., so the photographer came to the house today to capture the essence of Rick Hahn in his natural environment. Somehow Mom and I were convinced to be in the picture with Dad, too. That might have been alright, I’m not shy, but in the past few weeks I’ve developed this unfortunate reaction to the Bleomyacin (chemo drug #2). The nurse calls it a rash, but I call it my face.

Fair enough, I suppose, Bleomyacin is known for it’s skin reactions – but couldn’t it be somewhere else? Like on my arm? Or my ankle? Or, for god’s sake, ANYWHERE that’s not going to be plastered all over the local paper? Come on now, my face?! Is that necessary? What kind of bad karma have I gathered that makes the noticable side-effect of this treatment located on the one patch of skin people look at?

I’m not a pretty boy or anything, and I’ve never spent enough time on my looks to invest much emotional attachment to them, but, by design, they are sort of…noticable. So it can be difficult to restrain an identity crisis everytime I look in the mirror and I’m either 10 lbs heavier, 10 lbs lighter, karma-faced, puffy, or basically – staring at somebody I’ve never met.

Cam Got Married

arch

I went with Catie down to St. Louis to see my buddy Cam get hitched to his long time girlfriend Jill. When I first got the invitation I imagined that I could never go all the way to St. Louis for a wedding in the middle of chemotherapy, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that going to the wedding would be one more way to not let cancer rule my life. Screw cancer, I went to St. Louis to see my friend.

I’m really glad that we went down, even though I felt tired. My thoughts have been kind of heavy lately. Having faced down death so resolutely makes me sometimes wonder what exactly it is about life makes me want to hold on to it so securely. Wanting to stay alive because I’m scared of dying isn’t enough, there’s really got to be something to live for.

It was really life-affirming to go down to St. Louis and to see two people in love, and a family around them, and to watch their friends dancing to the music. Jill is an actress and Cam is a musician, so there were a lot of performers there. It was good to talk with other performers about the uncertainties of the lifestyle, but to also talk about how important it is to continue it. I felt like there should have been a banner above the door of the reception that read “What is important is inside this door. Leave everything else outside. Welcome.”

We visited the St. Louis Arch on our way out of town. Neither of us had every been up to the top, so we bought our tickets and waited in line. If you’ve ever gone to the Arch, you will probably never forget the minute soup cans that they stuff you in to transport you to the top. They called it a “tram,” which should have tipped me off in the first place. I don’t know why, but its my experience that anything called a “tram” is bound to be something I can’t wait to get out of. These things were like white escape pods from a sci fi movie; the cosmonauts probably had more leg room in Sputnik. If there had been any more creaks and groans during the 630 foot ascension, I probably would have found religion.

The view from the top of the arch was a lot like I imagined it would be like to look out of very small windows at the top of a 630 foot arch. The space at the top is short and, duh, arch-shaped. Tall people and those with weak middle-ear function should not attempt any activities while in this space. The room was packed with tall people and others with weak middle-ear function roaming back and forth from one window to the next, looking as if they had never seen trees or buildings before. Perhaps they were not from this planet, and had come here in their escape pods.

look

The trip down was quick, so I couldn’t fit in as many silent “Idontwannadie’s” as I did on the way up. I’m glad that I’ve finally gone up in the St. Louis Arch. Let’s never do it again.

And I’m glad I went to see Cam and Jill on their wedding day.

Quote ~ Theodore Rubin

October 19

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem. ~ Theodore Rubin

Before, After, During Chemotherapy

2003 Dave 2005 Dave jabba

Pictures of me before cancer, with cancer, during chemotherapy.

The Man in the Mirror is Back

October 18

This is the day after my 6th treatment. The man in the mirror is back. He looks a little bit like me, but he’s bloated and red, and he’s got these hiccups that make his whole body shake. There’s this funny patch of dry skin between his eyebrows. It seems funny that such a localized side-effect would be so squarely localized in the middle of his face, poor guy.

I might look like that if I put on a bunch of weight and had something SERIOUSLY wrong with me.